Women Not Cut Out To Be Mothers
76Most women have a maternal instinct to care for young whether they belong to them or not, especially their own babies. But then there are women who do not have that ability. They don’t find babies or children in general appealing and would rather not be around them. If motherhood is forced on them they are terrible mothers and in extreme cases some go so far as to be neglectful, abusive and even murder their own young.
Women who have a maternal instinct can’t even imagine another female not wanting or caring for her own little ones but it happens everyday. You hear about them in the news and sometimes see them in public.
How can you tell if a woman is non-maternal?
They look like anyone else and you can’t tell just by looking at them although if a baby is around it can be somewhat evident because they are the ones that don’t go over and get all excited about little people.
Some will come out and tell you they aren’t into kids or that they don’t want/like them. Since it’s not considered normal, many of them will feign interest to fit in but if you watch closely you’ll notice their attention has no emotion in it and they look on with the same attention one would give an unusual bug. It’s not really their thing but they know people will think them odd so they look on pretending to be interested.
Are they always bad mothers?
Not always, they just aren’t “great” mothers. Some will just be disinterested and not have much to do with their child. If they have the resources, they’ll hire someone else to deal with the baby. The child will grow an attachment to a nanny, grandmother or other family member and not his own mother.
Are all women who don’t want children non-maternal?
No. Some women love kids but feel they aren’t for them for various reasons.
Maybe they had a lousy childhood and prefer not to bring kids into this messed up world.
Maybe the cost deters them from having any of their own.
Perhaps they are ambition driven and don’t want to jeopardize their career by bringing a baby into the picture.
Maybe they are looking at the population numbers and feel we don’t need more people.
Men should always ask a woman before marriage.
Some guys assume all women will be thrilled to have babies and don’t bother asking. Then later on are disappointed to hear she isn’t interested in kids. Couples should always discuss these things before a commitment.
Can a woman become maternal?
No. If she wasn’t born with this instinct it’s not going to happen. She may pretend to please her husband and family and because she feels society expects her as a wife to reproduce but her heart won’t be in it.
It’s just like a person who doesn’t like cabbage. They might force themselves to eat it but they still don’t enjoy it.
Women who prefer a particular gender:
There are some who have a maternal instinct only for one sex or the other. For instance she may be very attentive and loving towards her son but ignore and detest her daughter. The reverse can also happen.
Things go fine if they bear a child of their preferred gender but if they only have boys and prefer girls the child may have a miserable childhood.
It's okay to NOT have children.
People feel they should pressure women into motherhood and that is a huge mistake. If a woman isn't into children and doesn't want them making her feel obligated is a bad idea but society does it anyway.
For some reason people think if a couple gets married the next step is to have kids. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood and we shouldn't force the issue.
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Thanks, Cagsil. I've seen some really bad moms in my lifetime and thought it was a good subject to write about.
You're quite welcome Pamela and you know what...I've seen my share of bad mothers and fathers who just simply have no clue at all. It's a damn shame that they fail to realize the amount of damage they are doing to the children and the rest of the world. :/
That is true, Cagsil. I can relate on a personal level too and hope that my article will help steer some into realizing they aren't cut out for parenting. It is a lot of hard work and a lifelong commitment. People shouldn't take it lightly.
Great hub voted up.
This could be helpful to someone trying to decide whether or not to become a parent. I like the part where you say that it is OK not to become a parent. Unfortunately some do not realize this,or just don't give the matter a thought at all.
voted up
I was shocked looking at your photos..It looks funny..lol.. but it's bad..hehe..this is reality..there are some mothers who are like that
Thanks, Prettynutjob, for reading.
Wiserabbit, society pressures women into reproducing feeling it's a requirement when it's not.
Romari, the top picture is disturbing. You can tell the poor baby is scared by his outstretched fingers. The bottom one is funny but certainly bad. I have a feeling the duct tape photo was done by a man.
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. In fact, I've seen so many mothers who are disasters that I feel so sad for the children and often think that you should have to pass a psychological test before getting pregnant.
Breakfastpop, it is tragic that so many children are being raised by inferior parents. I wish there was a remedy too but none that isn't against our laws.
You're right, but when I think of these children a little part of me dies...
12/6
Hi, Pamela N Red...Voted up and away on this amazing hub. Informative; Helpful and honest. Loved it. And love your writing talent. And I appreciate YOU following me. I dont recall if I have ever thanked you personally or not, for this warm gesture, but I promise. It will not be overlooked. Have a Merry Christmas and keep the great hubs coming. Kenneth
Breakfastpop, about all we can do is watch out for bad parenting and try to make a difference.
Thanks, Kenneth. I am happy to have you as a reader. :o)
Hi, again, Pamela...I am happy to have YOU as a follower and hopefully, YOU WILL like a few of my hubs. Thank you sincerely, Kenneth
I completely believe that all women are not cut out to be mothers. I work with at risk kids and often find out after I begin family therapy with a new family that one or both parents really should never have chosen to have a child...due to a variety of reasons (too young, too focused on themselves, too invested in drugs/alcohol, too wrapped up in their own mental health issues, etc.). It doesn't mean they are bad people...they just aren't parent material.
You know...why is it that we have to have a license for every flippin' thing you can imagine in life, but not one for being a parent...lol. I think that will be a question I ask if I'm lucky enough to make it to heaven. :)
This is an interesting hub. I agree with you that it’s okay not to have children and that women shouldn’t be pressurised into it. I also agree that for some women motherhood seems to be a nightmare, probably because of their own experiences as children.
However I disagree very strongly that women cannot change on this. In my twenties I had no interest in babies whatsoever, and felt certain I would not have children. I was in my early thirties when my niece was born and my feelings changed completely. I now have two children who I adore, and feel so blessed to be a mother, even if it did come to me later than most.
As long ago as the early 20th century a doctor found that babies born very premature were often abandoned by their mothers - but when the mothers were encouraged to hold and care for their babies they stayed with them. My own experience was that bonding with my daughter born premature was much more challenging than with my daughter born at term - but I was aware of this and had support, both of which made an enormous difference. Some women aren’t so fortunate.
It seems therefore likely that mothers who mistreat their children feel unable to bond for whatever reason, and this is turn will make their daughters find bonding difficult if they become mothers. If these women get the support they need their feelings can change.
xethonxq, it is unfortunate that so many people have children who should not.
Melovy, you misunderstood me. I'm not talking about the desire to have children, I'm talking about maternal instinct. Many women change their minds later in life about wanting children, many much too late but that's another article.
Maternal instinct is the nature of caring for a child. It's the internal need to make sure a child is taken care of whether they are ours or not. Even women who don't want children usually have a maternal instinct.
Great Hub, Pamela. That first picture puts a kink in me, but it's a good illustration of the non-mothering kind; you made a great point by putting it up there. Just because a woman gives birth does not make her a mother. Again, wonderful Hub. Voted Up!
Jez. Not only are some women not cut out to be mothers....some mothers aren't even cut out to be women. Great hub!!
Kristine, we have a lot of bad mothers in this world. It seems like there are more of them now days than ever before.
Tobey, some are pretty sorry human beings. I just read about a woman in Texas that shot herself and two children. Sad.
Interesting hub. I couldn't agree more with the fact that just because a woman can give birth does not make her a mother. I have seen these occurences many many times and in fact know a few women who just don't get how to be a mother. One had kids entirely too early and another just liked things the way she liked them. She was not ready to give up her single life. Unfortunately, it's the children that pay and its a cycle thats becoming all too familiar.
That photo exhibits a mom that is frustrated. having two tweens of my own, i remember those days when they were 3 and 5. Yes, I can see how mom's get stressed. Some kids just do not listen. I remember seeing a 3 year old just thrash himself on the floor just because he did not get to buy a toy.
That kid above looks like he was pushing her buttons.
Brave, honest and sensible hub, Pamela. I enjoyed it.
The mum in the top picture sure knows nothing about being a mum ... or even a human being. That is just no way to treat a toddler just because he doesn't understand how to behave yet.
Oftheheart, hopefully those kids have family that can help with them so they aren't neglected.
Alphagirl, no child deserves to be hung upside down no matter what they were doing. So many parents don't pay enough attention to their children and let them raise themselves. It's a full time job and you have to work with them all the time to encourage them to be well developed people.
Thanks, Angie. You are right. It is no way to treat a baby, I don't care what he was doing. You get much further with love and understanding than you do brute force.
One of my students is a five year old whose own mother tried to kill him before he was even born. She purposely overdosed on cocaine and alcohol to "abort" him. He was born at 27 weeks because of this and has fetal alcohol syndrome and many, many disabilities because of this woman who should never have children again. Luckily, my little guy was taken away from his "mother" at birth and was eventually adopted (along with his little sister) by a wonderful couple.
My wife is a labor and delivery nurse, and they encounter addicted babies all the time. The poor things suffer greatly in their withdrawals, and the mothers just don't care!
It's a national tragedy and a national disgrace.
Justateacher, as a foster parent I have seen a lot of this and it sickens me.
Will, I've seen those babies too. It's a terrible thing.
I think "mothering" is learned by how each of us is "mothered". I don't believe it is innate, but rather learned. Just like prejudice and violence, empathy and compassion, we, predominantly, give what we get. We do what we know. Great relevant topic that truthfully addresses something often assumed or taken for granted.
Amy, some do learn the behavior but some women who come from broken or bad homes turn out to be good mothers so I think some just have the instinct and some do not.
Hi Pamela, very good article and agree. I would like to add that those men and women who are connected with themselves tend to take good care of kids. However, parents who are unaware of themselves and living an unhappy life before, tend to be the same afterwards too.
Ruchi, I don't think happiness really has a lot to do with it. In countries where self happiness isn't an issue there are many good parents. I think Europe and America are more self aware so we think that is important to survive but not really.
This is one great article. Women should not bring a child in this world if they don' t have one maternal bone in their body rather than having a kid that you dont really care about.
I agree, Marie. It seems it's easy for women who shouldn't be parents to have them while those who would make great moms cannot conceive.
I think it is really important to consider whether a woman is cut out to be a mother (and equally important to consider whether a man is cut out to be a father - I know far more concrete examples of bad or absent fathers!). But the big problem here is the social pressure on women to be mothers, the expectations that that is what is natural to them. But here, even when many say, "Yes, not everyone should be a mom", they do it with the judgemental, or at least, insensitive attitude that further bolsters the fear that pressures women into being moms. They guilt is layed squarely on them - they are such awful mothers, how irresponsible, they are clueless, etc! And what that does is make women really not want to be associated with that group, it makes them want more to just be like the other "good" mothers. So many posts in this thread just make the problem worse. The sympathies are only with the children - the sympathies should also go to these mothers! Because they didn't all just say, "Well, I'll have one cuz everyone else did." There is a lot of pressure on them, often from their spouses and families, it's not just about pretending for society at large. When that is your real life that you are walking, and there are even more consequences to not having a child then being simply childless, plus the social stigma - of course these women often have kids. There is also a ton of "wisdom" out there that women will like their kids once they have them, the maternal instinct will kick in, everything will fall into place, don't worry, it will all be okay, just do it - coupled with the fact that they can't find out without actually having them - I mean, most parents, even those who want kids, don't understand what it really means, how it affects their lives, until they actually do it. I hope everyone just also keeps these points in mind, and I didn't mean to come off as though I were on my soapbox - but this is an important topic that should be treated with sensitivity, not judgementalness.
Sorry I rambled above. But I guess a point I forgot to make explicit - all the pressures and stigma make the woman confused. So...whereas it seemed to me that some people here were reacting as though these women were just irresponsible for having kids, as though they knew inside they weren't cut out for it and did it anyway, or did it thoughtlessly - the truth is, I think many did think a lot about it, trying to seek clarity, but all the pressures and stigma make it a very confused issue for women. So they aren't sure, any more than any other parent, how it's going to be when they actually have one....
Women should only have children if they want them and never let other people pressure them into it. People don't automatically have to have kids just because they got married or are reaching a certain age. We have plenty of people in the world and certainly don't need to reproduce simply for the sake of doing so.
As someone who doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, I really enjoyed this hub! I have nothing against kids, and would NEVER treat them like those in your photos(!), but have just never felt the need to breed myself. Interestingly, both my grandmothers abandoned their children...wonder if there's a link here?!
Riviera, it's not usually hereditary but I suppose the desire or lack there of could be passed down. Don't feel bad for not wanting kids, it's not for everyone.
Just because a woman does not have a desire to be a mother, does not make her less of a woman! Geez, get over yourself with overgenralised comments like that, If anything, a woman who stands by her truth that she does not want children is a very couragous, she is not being selfish, she is making a very selfless decision realising that becoming a parent would be bad for her and bad for the child. That woman needs to have great conviction all through her life because people will be constantly giving her the third degree about being childless.
being a mother does not determine if you a 'real' woman or not.
Culture socializes women to be caretakers. To be "good" mothers, daughters, friends, sisters, even if it is to their own detriment to stay in a toxic relationship with someone who constantly takes their energy.
Women are pressurized to have children, and also to be good. Always. Perfect. Which leads to women trying to show how much better they are than someone else. Or believing that because they have a man, and man chooses them over another woman, that it means she is "real" or a "mother." Mature mothers have compassion and the capacity for teaching and taking others under wing. Are you a mother, or an authoritarian cop?
I think referring to women as "bad mothers" is mean spirited and comes from a deep place of jealousy and insecurity. If a woman isn't doing something you are doing, this makes her "bad?" It sounds like you need others to reflect yourself back to you, which seems pretty narcissistic and male identified.
It's fair to notice that there are people who have children who didn't know quite what they were getting into, or aren't ready for the task. Child abuse is a huge problem in this culture and it's everyone's problem. Unfortunately what people don't seem to realize, is that child abuse can take many forms...from the obvious neglect and physical abuse, to moralizing nuts who constantly brainwash their kids with ideologies, social decorums, and forcing them to adhere to social expectations and career paths, rather than letting the inherent qualities and talents of their child emerge naturally. "Human decency doesn't come from religion, it precedes it."
The bottom line is, people need support, not judgement. The shame of being singled out as "bad mom" "teen mom", etc...only creates shame to fester and spread. This article feels hateful and smug. Labeling someone and placing the entire responsibility of "good" parenting on to the female, is isolating and will likely lead to that person's increasing mental, spiritual and emotional breakdown..which will of course, continue to effect their parenting in hugely negative ways.
Instead of hate writing or shame writing or finger pointing, as a mother myself, I propose as mothers we worry more about how much love we can share and compassion we can foster. If you see someone struggling with their children, why not offer them your help, or offer to carry something. It doesn't mean you condone their lack of parental consciousness, but it does mean that you're taking direct action to improve the situation instead of judging it. It will change the course of their day, and surprise them that instead of being judged by other women, they were helped. Little acts like that go a long way in maturing an undeveloped person stuck in a cycle of abuse and ignorance. Try it next time you're in public space and see a mom with kids and not doing well at it.
As thinking, feeling, emotionally intelligent women, we can work to stop the patriarchal culture's separation of women into good or bad, madonna or whore.
I think toxic mothering comes from women who aren't mature enough to understand that people come from a variety of life experiences. Toxic mothering is more than the cliche of holding a kid upside down or yelling at him/her. There's the devil you see, and the devil you don't. Toxic mothers are incapable of offering up compassion and love in place of hate and criticism. Toxic mothers get their power from being a mother, rarely anything else. Why is the only power source available to a woman, is to be a "maternal woman" and if she's not, she's not a "real mom." There's the women who need male attention by stealing husbands and dressing provocatively, and there's women who seek male approval by being the "good mom." These women are usually only trying to win the prize of being the most coveted female, the female the biggest man has picked, the mother of the all-star kid. That's not authentic.
Cagsil Level 7 Commenter 5 months ago
Hey Pamela, I will say one thing, some women shouldn't breed, just like men, they shouldn't reproduce either. Some are just not capable of being mothers or fathers and these people bring children into this world without any thought. However, as your article points out, it is very easy to see those who have maternal instinct versus those who don't. It just proves that not everyone is identical.
Great hub on women not cut out to be mothers. I liked the first picture...it made me laugh, but also showed the irresponsibility of that particular person and their non-maternal instinct. :) Voted up! :)