The Sexless Affair
76With the Internet we have many more options to expand our lives and increase our friendships. We can also find love miles away without leaving the comfort of our home.
Emotional affairs have been going on for years and aren’t really anything new but with so many new electronic inventions we can now expand our horizons to a much wider range than in the old days.
Salesmen and sailors had a woman in every port, politicians and celebrities had women at their disposal and doctors and other businessmen found romance traveling to seminars, so it’s not a new thing in the least.
Some think because they didn’t actually have sex it is harmless. No body fluids were exchanged, no flesh was touched and they haven’t met in person so what harm is it?
Is it as bad as actually having an all out affair?
This greatly depends on how far the relationship has gone emotionally. Psychologists will tell you it can be worse because although there is no actual copulation there is an emotional element that bonds them together stronger than entwined bodies. The other person is fulfilling a need that is missing in their current relationship.
With a one-night stand there is no emotional attachment and in most cases they don’t even get to know the other person.
It isn’t always about sex.
The bottom line is that word I used above, “need.” There is something missing from the main union that needs to be filled.
People have to feel important, desirable and worthy of another’s attention, not getting that is a prescription for disaster.
One man having an emotional affair said, “She really listens to me and understands me.”
Some prostitutes are paid to just listen. Sex Phone Operators make a lot of money being a sympathetic ear.
It isn’t always about looks.
I’ve known men to wander away from an attractive wife to a plain Jane. Don’t assume because you look good that is all it takes. There is much, much more to a relationship than a pretty smile. Some stray from a thin wife to an overweight mistress.
How do you protect yourself from something like this happening?
Some have gone so far as sharing Facebook and other social networking accounts, sharing passwords and emails.
No amount of sharing will keep an affair of any kind from happening if the situation is ripe
A neglected spouse will find attention somewhere. After years of marriage it is easy to take the other person for granted or to feel overlooked. You need to do things together. Go out on dates without the kids, hold hands, take time for love making, talk and really listen and spend quality time with each other. Act sexy and don’t be afraid to let your spouse see you naked. You wouldn’t believe how many men I’ve talked to whose wives only allow sex with the lights off. Seriously?
Give compliments:
After many years there are still things about your significant other you find desirable and fond of, make sure they know it. Don’t assume he still knows after 20 years that you think he has sexy eyes. It’s still nice to hear over and over again.
If a person isn’t getting their emotional needs met or lacking something in their main relationship they can find it outside and you knowing about one Facebook account doesn’t stop them from making a new one looking for love and fulfillment elsewhere.
I have tons of facebook friends with naughty names and titles looking for action and most of them are married.
Take care of yourself:
Just because you have that ring on your finger doesn’t mean you can now stop trying or that you shouldn’t care about how you look. I realize as we get older some lose hair and we get wrinkles and gray hair but there are still things we can do to keep up appearances such as weight, hygiene and what we wear.
I know I said it isn’t always about looks but being the best we can be helps our own self-esteem, which in turn makes us more confident and sexy.
Take Interest in your spouse’s job or other activities:
I know sometimes our significant other has a career or hobby that is boring or of little interest but at least on occasion listen to their gripes and be sympathetic or understanding to their occupation. Think about how sometimes you enjoy talking about what you like and how it makes you feel better to have someone listen to your problems once in a while.
Sharing passwords and accounts:
Do I think couples need to do this? Not necessarily. Like I said, if you can’t trust them to step outside the door without you by their side every second, which is the equivalent, then you have more issues and need to work on it.
Don’t use sex as a tool:
Men need sex: bottom line. If you are withholding because he didn’t take out the trash or to get that set of pearls, you are doing it wrong. You get more bears with honey, girlfriends. Satisfied men are more willing to give you what you want. You are doing it backwards.
As my granny once said, “If he doesn’t get it at home, he’ll get it somewhere else.”
I realize this has a male spin on it and that women often stray too but the numbers show that men are more likely to have a roaming eye than women. We should all work on our relationships and find ways to enhance and improve our unions if we want them to last.
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Marellen, some men are just cheaters and will wander no matter what. There isn't anything we can do in those cases. Just be happy in knowing they always wind up sad and alone in the end. Eventually they get old, lose their looks and ability to perform and they can't find anyone to be with.
Wow! Awesome Hub! You are so very right on each point! And YES! Also, I agree that if we women aren't getting what we need, some of us can be just as easily tempted!
Sue, I work really, really hard at it everyday. lol
Well, I do not know if its a ladies affair but I just had to stop by. In my hub "how far can globalization go?" I wondered, if we could ever get to a point where we get e-marriages.Now that you mentioned sexless affairs it means e-marriages can be worked out yet who knows what happens at the other side. Online friendship it is good.It seems to move better than most physical relationships because sweet talks are mostly shared online.So no much misunderstanding,if any.I think it because its always a beginning
David, I think emarriages are very possible. If a man can marry a cartoon character or robot, why not?
how do we make it happen?
I don't know about that, David. I would check with a lawyer to see how that works.
When we promise to be faithful, that means in all ways, but sexually intimate (and what is more intimate than sex?) faithlessness is far worse than say, flirting, although both are examples of relationships outside the marriage.
In that sense, it’s a matter of degrees and intensity. Exchanging meaningful glances at a party are one thing. Having intimate electronic conversations is worse. But the big taboo of course, is the physical intimacy betrayal.
In that sense, I’d say Weiner’s electronic faithlessness, while tawdry, is nowhere near as bad as Bill Clinton’s relationship with Lewinsky.
The problem is immaturity. Mature and responsible people have no need to assure themselves of their own worth by racking up the score. That's the real reason for cheating.
Will, true, Clinton's deed was much worse than Weiner's. I think that when a person is taking time away from time you should be with your spouse there is a problem.
I've seen some get pretty involved via the air waves and some are pretty serious. If it's a few titillating remarks no harm done. Frequent intimate emails with explicate sexual discussions are more serious.
This is an interesting hub Pamela, interesting in the way you wrote it, and in the way it reinforces how the net has created new, and very beguiling, (ie words and pictures, both still and moving - in both senses of the word..) methods of communication that combine anonymity (in many cases that's part of the thrill, I'm sure) with immorality.
As you say, physically scoring on the side isn't new, and neither is the hot but unfulfilled affair with a 'penpal' (for want of a better term), but the net has been the enabler for the ramping up of so much more of the innate desire we humans seem to have, to behave badly, even obscenely badly. (Child pornography for instance, certainly wasn't invented because of the net, but the sharing of images has never before been possible on such an enormous scale).
As to your further comments about married people needing to respect and fulfil each other's needs, both emotional and physical, I agree with you that more recognition of this is fundamental to long term happiness. But, too many couples 'fall out of love', or are 'misunderstood', or are driven to deceive because their partner "can't give me what I need", when in reality, they're falling for the trap of believing that the grass is greener (or, the sex is better) somewhere else but at home.
Marriage ain't easy, and fidelity is a self-imposed discipline, not always a natural behaviour; there are too many attractive poeple in the world to believe otherwise, but it's up to you to keep your hands to yourself, and your emotions in control.
Old fashioned, I know, but my wife and I have been so happily married or 41 years (so far..), I even wrote a hub about it. The first lines are "Love conquers all. But marriage needs a little help from the players"
Again, thanks for the stimulating read. Up and useful; has to be.
Awesome hub. I have always said if it took as much time and effort to get married as it did for a messy divorce there would be a lot less of them. Choosing to make a commitment to be intimate (not just talking about sex) with one person only for the rest of your life is huge. Making the commitment to do whats necessary to keep that marriage alive, fruitful, and vibrant is a task unfortunately to few have mastered. Again awesome hub Vote up useful and awesome.
Writeronline, it is so much easier now days and it takes less effort since people can use a fake avatar and chitchat in their jammies. I've been married 30 years and like you say it's an ongoing job.
Charlu, they tried to make it a bit harder to get married here in Oklahoma. I believe you have to go to counseling and you can't just go to the court house anymore but not sure if that will make a difference. We have one of the highest divorce rates in the nation. The fact I've been married to the same man for so many years is a novelty around here.
There is no factor of greater importance in a relationship than trust...we have to trust to love. Being honest with your spouse is just a given in a good relationship. By doing that, you take away the harmful aspects of social networks sites like FaceBook or MySpace. These sites have some positives as long as one is not looking or trolling for special needs. I have a rule that if I cannot share it with my wife, then there must be something wrong with what I am doing...that usually keeps me on the centerline. You make some really great points here though and your advice regarding the men in your life is worth heeding. WB
Thanks, Wayne. That is a good rule to follow. If you would be ashamed or embarrassed to let your spouse read what you write then it is wrong.
Once in any kind of emotional relationship, such as marriage and internet affairs, couples are responsible for the fulfillment of each other’s needs – After all they’ve undertook in some way or another to LOVE each other, and love is a verb and not only a mere feeling. By neglecting our duties regarding this, which may not be on purpose but due to insufficient communication and ability, we create empty spaces in our selves and in our partners, which could easily be filled by outsiders – too easily by virtual soul mates in Cyber Space. But one thing leads to another, and before we know where we are, we are entangled in a devastating relationship where we are totally dependent (addicted) to the other person, constantly experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms when our needs are not satisfied. Personally, after I’ve learned the hard way, I prefer to grow into emotional independency and maturity. Kudos on this hub of yours!
I think partners can work together to keep their marriage as I pointed out in "love must be born again." I just thought that internet emotions or e-marriages can get so intense that the partners may decide to meet one on one, then can we still call it internet emotions( Since we do not know the rules that will applied, if e-marriages is agreed)? Secondly, there maybe exchange of phone contacts, this is because a partner may be away from the internet world and you get worried to know why. So it can transform
Uhhhhh Um what's "copulation"? is that hand cuffs and night sticks, kinky stuff? Tall kids, short kids, even kids with chicken pox, love hot dogs Armor hot dogs, the dog Rep Wiener loves to flash. OK I'm done having fun, I think?
Trust is the word here, no trust no relationship in my opinion:
1. I come home 3 hours late to "where the f&^% have you been? Had to fly an extra trip for a late spur of the moment good paying customer. "Liar you been messing around"
2. Late again, same question but I say "I flew to Nevada and landed at the desert whore house and got a dish you don't serve" response uh-uhhhhhh.
A no win relation ship, they don't believe either story. Been there lived it a car wreck ended it, I'm a bachelor, problem solved. I'm also abstinent now some 16 plus years. I love women, a few love me, but I'm firmly planted in the "no thank you" zone, it's right next to the Twilight Zone. I communicate with women fine and we laugh have a great time and are the bestes friends, but I make it clear a hug or two is sweet and even a quick kiss is cool, but the buck stops right there. I have a life I love and there are women who swear they could live it, but I know better.
Expectations and trust cripple relations and crossing the line and bumping fuzz is the point most women in my experience change gears to "I own you now!" So safe sex is, well was one handed. I'd rather BBQ and entertain friends and when it's over, wish all a good night and leave the clean up for tomorrow. Peace, and I love ya, dust
Martie, it can be addictive and also constructive.
David, sounds like you should do some research on that and write an article.
Dusty, there are men and women who are happier living alone doing their own thing. I have never lived alone in my whole life and don't think I'd be good at it. I like having a man around the house and not to own or tell what to do. Not all of us are pushy and bossy.
Nice hub with some great advice, in my opinion people can mentally cheat as well as physically cheat......if you are telling a co-worker all the things that are going on in your life....and freezing out your partner....over time you will become much closer with your co-worker than your partner....which can only hurt your relationship. Voted up and useful.
The web brings a vast sea of uncharted territory doesn't it? I think that everyone has their own set of standards, just proceed with caution. I have had some great online relationships - purely friendships, with male and female friends, I think one has to be honest about what they are after. I know many couples who have hooked up online too, both looking for the same thing.
Interesting Hub Pamela-great topic to give some thought to!
Cogerson, it's easy to get emotionally attached to another person and it can harm your relationship with your spouse or significant other you are in a committed relationship with.
Chatkath, there are many different kinds of relationships. I have a lot of good friends I've met online too.
Yes, I wrote something on e-marriage in my hub "how far can globalization" I think there is something to write more about it and then through it open for the world to decide.
Nice Read Pam... I think one must love those around them in order to complete what one must learn about ourselves... the old boyfriend touching base stimulates an old familiar passage through time...a long lost girl friend who still had issues when the relationship ended... the going back to the prom for a redo. I think is the most attractive thing about the social networks...fantasy become reality in some ways...
Jeanine it does seem to be a popular thing. I've known a few that got back in touch with old boyfriends/girlfriends from school but most don't work out.
Great hub. Very interesting and useful, although geared towards wicked women about saintly men (Yeah! Right) Then I clicked on the video and it closed down my computer... tool a while to start up again. not your fault... this happens a lot when opening videos on HP.
Hello you. How are you. I haven't been reading much for a while and have promised to read my better hubbers... You're included in that group!
Twilight, I didn't realize videos mess up some people's computers on HP. That's not good I hope they get it resolved soon. I haven't had that problem so far.
Thanks for reading. I think the warmer months people get busier with outdoor things.
Pamela, It's fixed. I have a good antivirus, and it thought something was amiss.
Good to know it's been resolved. Take care.
Cool Hub, a very good read
Thanks for stopping by, American View.
It is so amusing that this is a big deal So much weight is put on the relationship that is must feel stifling. Yes American culture of the "holy child" is become destructive. Too many marry have kids and ignore each other. many married the "bad boy" and are surprised that while the sex is great the rest is not. Or marry Mr.provider and his mistress is the job. All which they were unprepared to face.
There is also the man who isn't a bad boy and who never takes a mistress. That is the man I married. Those of us lucky enough to find a good man have a long happy marriage.
This is a great hub and it brings a lot of discussion in here. Awesome!!! Trust, loyalty, honesty and love are all needed in a relationship to success. When a man or a woman has a sexless affair online, it is still not tolerable to the partner. There is something wrong on the relationship when a partner is having an online affair. Both partner should find a solution for this problem.
Thelma, that is true, if they are looking elsewhere there is something wrong and it needs to be addressed.
Excellent Hub and Great Advice!
Too many people view the time after the wedding as a time to "relax". I've heard women tell one another "I'm so glad to be done with all that dating mess. Always having to keep up your appearance and watching how you act...etc"
Both men and women would do better to remember that "just because they got the job" does not mean other people have stop submitting resumes to the company. Just as at work you have to continue to "impress" in order to hold onto your position. Competition is a way of life. If you're not taking care of home then you are opening yourself up to potential problems. One man's opinion! :-)
Dashingscorpio, I like that, "just because they got the job does not mean other people have stopped submitting resumes." So true. Great analogy. We do have to continue to work on our relationship even after we've gotten married. The work doesn't end at the threshold.
Great hub. Especially about the
The bottom line "It isn’t always about sex."
A Women's mind is quiet interesting I go a little more in depth on my hub feel feel to read
Thanks for reading, TheExpertise. I'll check it out when I have more time.
Stats show that women are cheating in about the same numbers as men, with more women working and out of the house, it makes it easier for everyone
That's true, Irob, there's a lot to be said for self control. Just because the temptation is there doesn't mean we have to act on it.
Pamela:
Wonderful article. Your right on about "emotional affiars" aka Falling in love with another man IS worse then a one night stand with a stranger. I know your focused on FB & emails but it happens with cell phones and physical meetings as well.
Lying about one time thing that lasted a day versus months and years of them meeting and doing everything but actual sex? For the purists who think body fluids have to be exchanged for it to be cheating.
I'm sorry but you are so wrong (Trust me I know) please rethink.
Jimmy, I'm not saying that having a physical affair is not a detriment to a relationship because it truly is.
Falling in love with a friend online or via phone is worse because it takes that emotion away from your spouse or significant other. A one night stand rarely means anything and there isn't a bond between them like there is with an emotional affair.
Boy, you sure stirred up some sand with THIS one! Loved it. Have seen several marriages break up because of this very thing. I think people who get involved in this way are extremely selfish. Betraying a spouse is never acceptable.
Timetraveler2, cheating is a bad idea no matter the reason. It certainly is a touchy subject.
marellen Level 6 Commenter 11 months ago
Pam....with my experience I think going on FB or other sites to seek attention is wrong if your in a relationship whether you are married or not. Its a break in trust. What happened to good old communication? Yes, I have big issues with this. Its happened to me and I was a good wife. There was no reason except it was easy to get online and be talking to someone in minutes. If a man is that unhappy then divorce your wife and play as much as you want...without hurting anyone. I love when a man cheats he is now addicted to sex and needs help. Its just BS....its unfortunate that FB and other social sites are being used for this.